A Nice Meeting Is Not a Relationship
By Mitchell Schuckman, PCC | Founder, The Schuckman Group
I was brought in to help a mid-size professional services firm prepare for a competitive proposal. The firm had been providing ongoing work for this client for several years. Solid work. No complaints. When the client announced it was putting the engagement out for bid, the partners weren't worried. One of them told me, almost reassuringly, that the relationship was strong. The client always shared laughs at the annual Christmas lunch. Always responded quickly to emails, even texts. Always sincerely thanked the team at the end of every quarterly review.
The firm lost.
What the Debrief Actually Said
I was asked to conduct the debrief. Over the years I have done hundreds of debriefs, after losses and after wins. This debrief was overly polite, which is usually how I know it isn't complete. The official explanation was that the winning firm had presented a compelling approach and competitive pricing. Both were true. Neither was the real story.
The real story came out over the following weeks, in fragments. The winning firm had spent three years getting to know that client. Not through dinners or event tickets. Through time, patience, and consistency. They had helped the client think through a strategic problem at no charge. They had sent specific, relevant, and customized insight pieces without being asked. They had met with people two levels below the decision-maker, learned what success actually looked like inside that organization, and made themselves useful long before there was anything to bid on.
The incumbent team had no idea any of this was happening.
The Difference Between Cordial and Committed
There is a version of a client relationship that feels strong from the inside and is fragile from the outside. Meetings go well. Emails get returned. The client seems happy. What is missing is the kind of relationship where the client genuinely wants you to succeed, where they will tell you, within whatever the process allows, what it will actually take to win. They have your back.
That kind of relationship is built differently. It is built through curiosity about what the client is actually trying to accomplish, not just what they have hired you to do. It is built through consistent, small investments of time and thinking that have no immediate payoff. It is built through relationships with multiple people at multiple levels in the client organization, not just the one who signs the engagement letter. And it is built over years, not weeks.
The incumbent firm knew a handful of people through working together. The winning firm had several relationships built with care. And they had been building them quietly, while the incumbent was completing the tasks they were hired for, and having Christmas lunches.
What Your Strongest Competitors Are Doing
I work with pursuit teams across professional services and one pattern I see consistently is this: the team that feels safe is often the team most at risk. Feeling safe produces a different kind of business development behavior than feeling competitive. Client relationships are like our personal relationships. They take care, they take work, and they require understanding the other person more deeply today than you did the day before.
The competitors you are not thinking about are thinking about your clients. They are having conversations, offering perspectives, and building familiarity. They know what your client wishes they had because they regularly ask. By the time an RFP arrives, they have already answered the most important questions the client has: what would it actually be like to work with these people? And how will next year be even better than this year?
If you haven't answered those questions with your client and you're responding to an RFP, you're too late.
The Question Worth Asking Now
Before the next procurement process touches your most important client relationships, it is worth asking something directly: if this work went out to bid tomorrow, do I know, specifically, who in that organization would go to bat for us, and why?
Not who likes us. Not who returns our calls. Who actually wants us to win, and what have we done to deserve that?
A nice meeting is not a relationship. A relationship is what someone does for you when the stakes are high.
Mitchell Schuckman is the Founder and CEO of The Schuckman Group LLC. He is a Professional Certified Coach credentialed by the International Coaching Federation and the author of I'll Tell You a Great Story. He coaches senior executives, partners, and BD professionals across professional services firms worldwide. theschuckmangroup.com
Note on privacy: Some examples are composites. All identifying details have been changed.